Breaking News: Evangelicals Shun Trump, Endorse Moloch For President

Moloch_the_god

Breaking with long-standing precedent, the Organization of American Evangelicals has endorsed Moloch, the blood-thirsty god of the Caananites and Ammonites, in his bid to unseat Donald Trump as President.

“We understand that this decision has seemingly come out of left field,” said OAE President Franklin Graham, who had in the past been an outspoken supporter of Trump.

“But we and Moloch have been on parallel paths for some time, and as much as we appreciate the efforts of President Trump on our behalf, we feel that going forward our long-term interest will best be served in alliance with the Abomination Of The Children of Ammon.”

Moloch, the false deity also known as The Great King, would seem an odd choice for the conservative group’s support, since he has long been associated with child sacrifice.

“We acknowledge that, in fact, Moloch’s appetite for the fiery sacrifice of infants is condemned in the Old Testament books of Leviticus, Jeremiah, Deuteronomy, Ezekiel, and Two Kings,” Graham added. “But in meetings with Moloch we were pleasantly surprised to learn he is actually pro-life, and that’s really all we needed to know.

“Look, we’re not voting for a pastor; we’re voting for a President. We sat down to pray with Mr. Moloch and, yes, the Bibles in our hands did burst into flames, and, yes, his eyes did erupt with boiling lava whenever we said the…you know, G- word. But gosh darn it, he’s on the right side of the issue we care most about. I’d be proud to throw my arm around him and call him my brother if he were not a steaming pile of crusted effluent.”

Stepping to the podium at the press conference, held at the Billy Graham Library in Charlotte, North Carolina, the bull-faced, two-horned beast/man paused to wipe fresh blood from his jagged-toothed maw to accept the group’s endorsement.

“Kneel before the face of Moloch, you miserable entrails of gored oxen,” he began, speaking without prepared notes. “Surely, the blood of nations shall be spilled in my wake, and from this day forward the wails of the generations shall echo through the halls of history.

“I’m so happy to be here today. Everyone has been so nice!”

Asked how his penchant for the innocent flesh of infants squared with the OEA’s opposition to abortion, Moloch tugged at the brim of his red Make America Malevolent Again baseball cap and spewed sulfur from all his orifices.

“Flee from my sight, you green-blooded insect,” he said, the acid in his spittle dissolving a Fox News microphone. “Know you not that the more children born, the more there will be to satisfy my belly of unquenchable fire?

“To that end, I will appoint as many pro-life judges as I can from the moment of my inauguration.”

The OAE audience flew to its feet in cheers and applause, nearly drowning out the muffled sound of Rev. Billy Graham, buried just outside, tumbling in his coffin.

“Sure, we could have supported a decent human being who shares our view,” said Franklin Graham. “But those folks keep muddying the water with their bleeding heart opinions on immigration and medical care. We want someone with laser-like focus on what we care about, and Moloch is our man. Or whatever he is.”

 

Published by Bill Newcott

Award-Winning Film Critic, Columnist, TV Host and Creator of AARP's Movies For Grownups, Bill writes for publications including National Geographic, The Saturday Evening Post, Delaware Beach Life, Alaska Beyond and Northwest Travel.

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